What is Codependency?

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that passes down from one generation to another by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have healthy relationships. Some forms of co-dependency are called “relationship addiction” or "love addiction" because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

Who Does Co-dependency Affect?

The disorder was first identified as the result of studying interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. "Co-dependent" was originally the term used to describe persons living with or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns are seen in relationships with chronically ill or mentally ill individuals. Today, the term has broadened to describe unhealthy behaviors characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy.

What is a Dysfunctional Family?

A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear, anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied.

Underlying problems may include any of the following:

• The existence of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.
• The presence of a family member suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
• An addiction by a family member to drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.

How Does a Dysfunctional Family Lead to Co-dependency?

Dysfunctional families do not acknowledge that problems exist. They don’t talk about them or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become “survivors.” They develop behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions. They detach themselves. They don’t talk. They don’t touch. They don’t confront. They don’t feel. They don’t trust. The identity and emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are often inhibited.

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

"When the codependent is drowning,
someone else's life flashes before their eyes."
Author Unknown

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to be themselves. Either everyone is more important than they are, or they have to be more important than anyone else. Either way they are concerned with how others view them, and what others are doing. Some take on caretaking roles. Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual activity.

Co-dependents often have good intentions. They think they are behaving in a loving fashion by giving  too much of themselves or by allowing bad things to continue or by sublimating their own desires. A young mother is so immersed in taking care of her family that she neglects herself. A wife wants to prove herself a good wife so she obsesses about her husband's every need. A husband may ignore his wife's neglect of their children. A young woman puts up with abuses from her boyfriend. A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband. A father may “pull some strings” to keep his child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior. Someone may work for or be married to a powerful person to derive secondary power, without real self exploration. A mother dotes on her son and denies his gang affiliation.

The co-dependent develops a false sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed” or being seen in the light of another person. Destructive patterns take root. The codependent allows those he or she focuses on to abandon responsibility for their own behaviors. When this cycle becomes compulsive, the co-dependent has lost his/her self. Feelings of helplessness occur, or belief that there are no choices. Despite this dilemma, the co-dependent is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that is causing it. Co-dependents typically view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in their love relationships and friendships.

Some Characteristics of Co-dependent People

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

It's Not One Gender

Co-dependency is seen in both men and women. This exerpt by therapist Beverly Engel uses the feminine pronoun, but the behavior can just as easily be seen in a male.

"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, s/he believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. S/he blames others for his/her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that s/he's unhappy.

Another irony is that while s/he feels controlled by people and events, s/he herself is overly controlling. S/he is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."

Emotional and Physical Consequences of Codependency

Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity and lethargy are evident in many codependents.

Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

A “yes” answer to some of these questions does not confirm you are codependent.
But these are some of the areas to consider:

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Do you often feel inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

How  is Codependency Treated?

 
The primary avenue to treat codependency is to support the client's way of knowing what is true for them at any one moment. Somatic Experiencing is very helpful in doing this in individual therapy, because it cuts through the mental paralysis most codependents experience. Most codependents are so used to listening to everyone else and mistrusting themselves that they can no longer remember what it is to be themselves. Somatic Experiencing helps them gently let go of the false layers, and know without question what they know and feel by accessing the present moment through felt sense.

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Education is important to identify self-defeating patterns, learn how to choose differently, and rediscover the true self.

Treatment focuses on exploring and expanding beliefs about what is permitted in relationship. This may include reconstructing the dynamics of a family. Any caretaking behavior that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say “no,” to be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant.

Group therapy is also helpful, to learn from others, and try new ways to relate with others. People can find new freedom, love, and peace by embracing these changes.

The Change is Worth It !

The opportunity in changing codependent behavior is to not only to heal your self, but to heal future generations of your family. As long as no one makes the effort to do anything differently, things will continue as they are. But if you have the courage and the love to stop this negative behavior, future generations will learn from you, and they will thank you. You can change the future and thus change history.

Other Resources:
CoDependents Anonymous (CODA)

Some parts of this article are excerpted from Mental Health America